A friend and counselor to me in this third phase, from the start of this phase, has a coffee mug that states "Death Sucks". We've both lost our spouses, which is probably the worst loss that one may suffer in this life. The loss takes away our partner. One who had faith in us. One who we cuddled with, who we could spend hours with and not saying a word, be very comfortable just being with. I have no children, but I have lost my mother 14 years ago, my younger brother 7 years ago, and my father 5 years ago. But the loss of my wife three years ago hit me harder than the deaths of those three very close relatives.
In these three years, I have continued with two grief support groups, now mostly to give back, and have researched grief, especially in the loss of your spouse. I know that we will experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There are more, but these five are generally accepted. One I must mention, though, is abandonment. Those first five are internally formed, but abandonment is externally formed. Our friends and family that have known us as a couple, don't know how to deal with us as an individual now.
Regardless, death has entered our life and we have lost the most important part of ourselves, our other, better half, our balance, our purpose.
I don't know if it is just me, though working with others who have lost their spouse tells me that I am not alone in my feelings of grief, but my sensitivity to death is much more than I ever thought I would experience. Every time I see or hear a story about the death of anyone, I hurt just thinking about it, occasionally weeping. The only time that I saw my father tear up was when we talked about my brother's death.
We all know that someday, we ourselves will die, leaving our loved ones, our dreams, our plans behind. I don't know of anyone that welcomes the passage of someone we love and we should know that no one who loves us will welcome our death, even if it a painful life that we are leaving.
So, what should we do? Death sucks! But life is great and if we accept that we are to love one another, life is fantastic. And given that our reward is eternal life in heaven, we should accept that we will be reunited with our loved ones. Why we must wait for this reunion is likely because we have some other purpose to fulfill. Heaven is the ultimate reward and by doing Gods will, we can achieve it.
Death sucks to us here on Earth. We don't know by our limited senses that there is a Heaven, but by our faith and trust, we know it exists. So, one of the feelings that I, following the death of my wife was, why am I left here in such pain and she is now enjoying the love of God in Heaven. It's selfish of me to think that way and it is a test of my beliefs.
But then, I have to consider the Ying and Yang of life and Heaven. Yes, life can be difficult, painful, disappointing, while life in Heaven is likely none of these. How much more will we appreciate what Heaven is like having lived through what is not in Heaven.
Yes, life can suck. It can be "Life's a bitch and then you die." I find that Life, though, is training, learning, experiencing, exploring, and finding our God given purpose so that at our death, we will enter Heaven and truly appreciate the Glory of God.
